I was reading this article in the April issue of Kiplinger’s Personal Finance Magazine, called Do You Talk To Much?, and it got me thinking about all the annoying habits people can have, that hold them back in life without them realizing it. Everyone knows someone like this. Maybe they’re a good person, but you hate to see them coming because they will tell you everything you don’t want to know about anything, and it’s extremely difficult to break away from them in conversation. The article suggests that we think of long-winded people as being “boring and self-absorbed”. It seems as though they enjoy the sound of their own voice so much, that they have a total disregard to whatever non-verbal clues your sending them. I’ve seen this in job interviews as well. An applicant just talks their way right out of a job, because they can’t answer a question. They’re trying to come across as being friendly, but they go way off topic telling some story rather than directly answering a question.
Another characteristic that came to mind, is people who are “close talkers”. I’m sure most of us have seen the episode of Seinfeld that pokes fun at the issue. It really is annoying to talk to some one who feels the need to get right in your face. Personally, I don’t want to smell your lunch when we’re talking……know what I mean?
The obvious question has to come up about ourselves. Whether we realize it or not, we may have bad communication habits of our own, that keep us from getting where we want to go in life. Here are a couple of questions to keep in mind:
- When you talk, do people start fidgeting, and looking away?
- When in a conversation, do you talk over 30 seconds without giving the other person a chance to speak?
- Do you enjoy hearing yourself talk?
The sad thing is, that most people are not going to tell you that you talk too much. They will just avoid you.
OMG, I have a friend just like that.
I love her, she is like family, but she goes on and on about stuff she is doing, (closing loans and property managment) and over and over for YEARS!
She is so boring and repetitive. And she does not pick up the verbal cues at all.
Plus I hate it when people forgot they already told you stuff.
It makes me feel like you are just using me to get all your verbal off your chest.
I can never tell her this because she is really sensitive and gets her feelings hurt easily.
I did pull away after a few years and really think hard about the friendship and if I wanted to keep it.
So yes, people will just avoid you.
Hi Ichen,
Yeah, I think we all know someone like this. I always try to be tolerant, but sometimes it can be tough. One way I’ve dealt with this type of situation, is to make a joke out of it to them directly. Sometimes that can get the message accross in a light-hearted way.
Yes, but what if you are one of those people? What’s the amount of time you should be talking? If a person keeps responding to your stories and adding their own comments? I’ve noticed that to build rapport, I match a person’s story with one of my own…inevitably it turns the subject to me and I hate that. I try to ask them questions about their stories. It’s difficult when the clues don’t seem to be obvious and you didn’t get the memo on how long you are “supposed” to talk…. So, give us a time limit? Give us a clue to look for…. Don’t just avoid us.
Hal
haha…..that’s funny Hal. Here are my thoughts(so you don’t feel that I’m avoiding you…hehe)
This is just my personal opinion, but if you’re talking, and the other person keeps looking away, or acting like they have somewhere else to be or something else to do, then you should probably wrap your little speech up.
My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years is talking me to death. He talks through television shows, through dinner, breakfast and lunch, talks before lovemaking and after, yaps about his life his problems, asks me questions and gives no time to answer, talks about alking, argues at me, he never SHUTS THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!!! I have not read a book, listened to a song or enjoyed anything since I’ve met him. He has stolen every bit of peace that I had. He’s got to go…………………..
I have a particular person in my life who not only talks way too much but is almost insulting when he feels the need to give me information about my business I either already know or didn’t ask for. He also gives too many unnecessary details about any given subject. It’s as if he is trying to prove to everyone that he’s smart and knows everything about EVERYTHING. His emails are also so incredibly long and detailed that I can barely read them.
If there is a person out there who recognizes this in themselves please tell me the best way to clue you in on this energy draining habit! How would you want to be told?
I just broke up with my boyfriend because he ranted about politics and other angsty stuff all the time. It started to depress me early on in the piece so I saw it as an opportunity to talk too much back about how I perceived life’s problems because I felt fixed in one place all the time. Now we have broken up he has suddenly had insight and started talking about fixing the problem of talking too much because I think I held a mirror up to him. (he he!) Its good to read these sites so you don’t ever fall into the same trap. Its a pity I read it too late though because he is a really nice person and we have now completely exhausted each other.
You are all making the assumption that just ’cause we’re talking and talking, we think what we have to say is more important. Actually many long winded talkers are throwing darts out there . . . waiting to be accepted by the listener. Often times this is insecurity. We don’t want to be HEARD (courtesy listening does no good). We want to be understood and accepted.
my partner loves to read and study and learn about any and everything. he also loves to share everything he has learnt and understood – an admirable trait i’m sure. however it is no problem for him to talk non stop on any given subject for 1/2 hr to 45 minutes. i don’t even have to say much. the thing is i can put up with it when by ourselves, but it is so embarassing when we are out. i often try to change the subject by asking a question of the other person/s he is talking to, but after that person has finished (usually after a minute or less) he will pick his conversation right back up where he was stopped. needless to say we do not any close friends. several people in his life (including his daughter) have tried to say to him he is talking without interruption. but he just feels attacked and wronged.
Is there any way one can assist a person like this without damaging them. It seems to run in his family. His father who has severe dementia has also been extremely talkative for a long long time. His sister can talk talk talk without interruption.
HELP anyone out there?
I am a talker and I am working on it. I wish there was a website to help me -sum up what I want said. Maybe instead of wishing people would just shut up- You may ask to see if they are depressed …it is one of the signs of depression. And it would be an easier way to let them know. Be patient with us…. much love and respect.
What my problem is that I divulge too much information when I am in my “rambling” stage. That’s gotten me into trouble so many times. I always feel obligated to give rounded and additional explanations on what’s going on and then the boss is on my case about giving away ‘secrets.’ Does any one have a tip for that?
I’m one of those ‘talkers”. Only one person I know can talk as much as I do.
I don’t take pride in it as a gift, but I don,t condemn it either, as it is part of who i am.
I am conscious of the way most of society sees talkers: self-imbued non-listeners at best, or total loser know-it-alls out to prove something at worse.
My personal case, and that of my other talker friend, is that we are good active listeners, who care a lot about people. We have good memory retention of what has been told to us. We truly want to know about who we meet.
Still, since I care, I work on reducing my output.
I have reduced it tremendously, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference to some people I know. I do leave breathing times, pauses when the others can talk.
I do notice when people are starting to zone out.
I found this topic while searching for others like me, see what info could help.
I just wish I could find it within myself to know the right brief words, and not feel censored or deprived of freedom.
As mentioned by another commenter, keeping silence because you feel you have to, is not honest listening.
I do have my bad moments when I am talking too much without real cause. I appear to fear silence, but in fact I just fear a break or a lack in communication. Let’s face it, when was the last time you had a real, in depth conversation with someone new?
People I meet for the first time usually have patterns that they use to try to communicate. At best, they are confusing to me, at worse, they feel like lies that block communication. Who are you as a person? How do you feel? What do you dream?
The proof is right here in the length of this comment: I am a talker.
It’s my nature. I want to communicate, learn, exchange.
That doesn’t mean I’m a self-centered jerk insensitive of others.
Perhaps “brief” people should consider we have feelings too.
I think that people who talk too much can be absolutely lovely people who are not necessarily know-it-alls or self centered. I think that it may be a way of thinking out loud, a feeling that they are being up front with people by sharing everything, a way to connect in their way.
However, I do believe it’s problematic and points to a compulsion that should be worked on. It’s harmful to them because the truth is, people will avoid them and it’s possible they will be taken advantage of.
I’ve noticed is that the effect they have on others because I am in a relationship with a “talker”. I love who he is as a person. I want to spend my life with him. I worry his talking will cause me to become so frustrated that over time my feelings will fade. The reasons are:
1. When I do share, he interrupts without fail. It makes me feel almost like I’m fighting to be heard which is not how I want to feel when I’m trying to be vulnerable and let him in.
2. It takes a LOT of time to be with him because every story is lengthy. I can ask him if he slept well and it can easily turn into a 15 minute rant.
3. He tells me details about everyone he meets so I have no easy way to figure out who’s important to him and who’s not. Furthermore, for the majority of his monologues (they are not dialogues) I don’t understand the context of why he’s telling me about the person. For example, he might start out saying he ran into a really nice man and then tell me about his wife, kids, health problems, something he said or did during their interaction and finally tell me that he went to high school with his son.
So I’m looking for ways to address this with him without hurting him. I think it’ll hurt him much more if I don’t address it and it’s the cause of our demise so I’m going to tell him directly but gently and give him the reasons why I’m bringing it up. Any other advice is welcome. I hope this is helpful to talkers out there who feel attacked in understanding why it’s harmful to relationships. Thank you.
Please – use your common sense. There is nothing better than a good conversation with an interesting and intelligent person. To talk & talk & ramble about unknown people, unseen movies & unread books is tedious, boring and the quickest way to become a friendless outcast.
You “TALKERS” know who you are – take this BRIEF comment to heart and SHUT UP!!
Lol….I am a talker as well….its is true we are very interested in other people and what makes them tick…we are caring and thoughtful people.My flatmate was drunk last night and laid it out…he said all his friends cant stand that i talk to much…thay like me but i change the subject and cut them off from talking to there friends…he said it was very rude and what gives me the right to do this?..he said where are all your friends?..
it is true what he had to say…i think i talk too much because i dont value who i am and want acceptance…my mums a talker as well and so is my brother…Im gana change my ways as i know people who do it to me…and i avoid them!!…its the quickest way too loose friends and become very lonely!!
I’m a talker and I realize that I talk too much and sometimes it gets me into trouble because I talk about things that are true and sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth and not what I preceive to be truth but Bible truth that has everything to do with our conduct. I’v been a loner most of my life. I’v never been one to beat around the bush. Sometimes the bush beats me back and boy am I ever humbled. Humility isn’t a bad thing because it puts things into prespective in a hurry.
Hi!
I am attracted to people who talk a lot, I like nothing better than an interesting discussion on an interesting subject. I have to learned over the years to value myself more and I have told friends goodbye. It is simply NOT acceptable to take 80 percent of the time and interest and space and leave only hard earned 20 percent to your friend. It makes you feel taken for granted, unseen, unheard and litterally beaten up! And it is your friends problem tell them how it makes you feel and let them take responsabillity, they are the ones who can chance it, not you! But you can help them understand how acute it is to you!
My mind works in a way that If Ive been interupted again and again, in a conversation prevented from having around 50 percent of the space, my mind becomes overworked and after when I am to myself all the cut off talk will pop up in my head. It an unfair balance! quite peacedisturbing and unpleasant! I wonder if motormouthtalkers know how much they trample on us good listeners?? I think not! I will tell, and if you cannot change your bad habbit I’ll simply turn away! And I think that those who dosent tell are really not friendly at all!
I see many posts where talkers claim that they are good listeners, and want to know about other people. If that were true, there would be more space left in the conversation to let the other person speak. Here are a few hints to help you quash the bad habit:
Count a few seconds after the person has finished, to see if they wish to continue. Acknowledge them with a short phrase, rather than a complete story of your own.
Lay out the point of your story right away, rather than making someone listen to your tangents while they try to figure out what you are talking about.
At first you will think that your communication skills have diminished, but after a short while, you’ll find that people stop to listen to what you have to say. It’s a refreshing feeling from a reformed talker.
And don’t forget; an occasional night of ranting with your close friends should always be allowed.
Hi
Yes, I am a talker. I repeat things over and over. My friends are patient with me, but I hardly ever see them. The guy I am dating, just wants to date, not be my boyfriend.
I do not seem to notice at all, when I am boring someone, or someone is trying to read, or watch TV–I just keep on talking, talking, talking, talking. It is so bad I even talk to myself when no one is around.
Because of my talking I have gone through more jobs than I can remember.
Years ago my Dad used to tell me to shut up, he said a good listener is someone who knows when to speak and when to keep quite.
Never have I am been able to do that. I always talk, talk, talk. I never think about how rude I am or anything. I even talk to strangers, who could care less. Store clerks love me because I talk so much I pay way to much for stuff because I am not paying attention to what I am doing.
This has been a problem since childhood. I am now in my 50s.
I’ve come across many people who talk too much! Some of them are my friends and I know they are good people and not self-centered. They simply tend to get excited about the subject at hand and think they need to share details to get our complete understanding. (I’ve done it, too!)
However, I want to share that I have brought this subject up to a couple of my closer friends and had wonderful results. I admit it was a difficult subject to broach, but once it was brought up it turned out my friends knew they talked too much! One friend asked me to bluntly tell her when she got off track and believe it or not, she appreciated the help in keeping her focused! I handle it differently with another friend – I know when he’s excited about something and remind him before visiting others to keep himself in check.
My point is that there is a way for us listeners to communicate with the talkers! You have to lay the issue on the table first and come up with a compromise – a solution that works for both parties without anyone’s feelings getting hurt.
By the way, I find it very telling that over two years after this original post, people are still commenting about it!
I have been told from time to time that I talk too much. Verbal communication is one of the hardest things to master. Just look at us now, talking about it yet we have existed how many years and haven’t got it just right?
Here lately, I have purposely cut my talking down and tried to just listen to others, then I come off as the one who is separated from the conversation. Maybe it’s better I try not to make new friends and get to know the new people I encounter. Those who I consider friends know where I am coming from and we accept each other as we are.
Imma shut up now. Y’all figure it out and let me know.
OMG I am just finding this post on 11/24/09 and I am unbelievably relieved…my brother just left the room after I shared something that was to me, near and dear to my heart. His response was completely unrelated and vague. He’s been doing this a long time and it’s finally getting to me, I’ve always kind of shrugged it off that he’s rude and has no respect for me – and now look…it’s probably that I just talk too much.
DANG!
sometimes i talk a lot when i don’t feel confortable around somebody, hoping that sooner or later they will not want to be around me, then it all balances out.
I appreciate all your comments. I talk way too much and it’s a a constant source of anxiety. Just today, I talked so much to my new employer–who happens to be a therapist–that she told me she could “not process anymore” of what I was saying. Talk about uncomfortable and dangerous …
Does anyone know of any self-help books on conquering one’s need to talk excessively?
The odd thing is that I AM a good listener and have several friends who confide in me. I DO give people their time to talk and do listen and make sure they know they are heard. I am interested in them and enjoy the details of their lives, which might be why I give so many details, myself. But when the subject changes and it’s my turn to talk (or, unfortunately, sometimes when it’s not), I just can’t seem to shut up. My close friends and family have always joked about my talking, and some even enjoy being around me. But others who don’t know me must be put off by my banging on. I leave most all social interactions feeling like a spent dishrag.
Can anyone relate to my struggle? Any suggestions or shared experiences are welcome. I WILL listen. I’m with Hal; we, the loquacious, need to learn how to find acceptance while learning to tone ourselves down.
Thanks,
Ocmab (overly-chatty middle-aged broad)
I observe that those who talk too long have not learned to focus on the cues that their listener is not fully engaged. I’m totally up for people improving their communication skills – Stu’s comments of 7/29 are a good start. Additionally, the short article at the following link has some really good tips to ensure you’re interesting, not annoying : http://www.martynemko.com/articles/do-you-talk-too-much_id1371
I’m a 24 year old male. I am, by NO means, a talker. I never have been. I still have my kindergarten, grade 1, 2, and 3 report cards. On all 4 reports the teacher made a comment about my ‘failing’ to interact with the other children. As if it’s a character flaw.
Throughout my life, (and I mean every single day since I can remember), someone has made a comment about how quiet and reserved I am. That’s fine, I can deal with that (barely). But it’s in the way they say it that bothers me. The tone of their voice. They say it as if there is something horribly wrong with me. And often not even to my face! But to the person standing next to me! As if I’m not even there. They dont even realize how completely arrogant they are coming across. Of course I never show my discontent. I bite my tongue, and respectfully smile and chuckle.
Dont get me wrong ‘talkers’. You’re awesome. My best friend is an EXTREME talker! You’re just like alcohol. You’re best in small doses. Too much of you and I feel nauseous.
Silence is golden and loose lips sink ships.
I talk a lot, but I also LISTEN a lot. I am not always right, I like debate, I like to learn. In fact, with some people that would pan me for talking too much, I would say that at least I speak sense, unlike them. For instance, I will readily discuss politics, beliefs or even movies, which I happen to love. I will NOT back bite and generally gossip. Therein lies the difference.
It is indeed a good virtue, being quite, having time for introspection. However, on the same token being too QUIET is also not a good trait in a person. Being shy is one thing but in some cases it is just unbearable. Case in point: two friends/a couple where one is open and the other stays silent and will not ease a situation by just speaking up. Or expecting the partner/friend to have some kind of extra sensory perception when it comes to knowing what they are thinking. Sometimes I talk too much because the other person NEVER says anything – even if you are out in a group of people and they have a chance to speak. I’ve known cases where certain people prefer that I speak so that they won’t have to!
What i’m trying to say I suppose is that like with anything in life there needs to be balance. Neither too extrovert nor introvert.
Thought of the day: How many relationships have you heard of failing owing to over communication as opposed to little communication? mmmmm………..
My only reply is that talking and communication aren’t exactly the same thing. Good communication is not listening to someone talk on and on, wishing they would stop.
Anthony, you couldn’t have said it any better! Communication is NOT listening to someone who on and on about a topic or tell an hour long story with way too many details while you are going cross-eyed and deaf waiting for them to please just shut-up! My boyfriend of almost a year, does this to me almost daily, and others as well, if we run into someone while out and about that he hasn’t seen in a while, boy do I feel bad for them if they are in any kind of a rush because unless they just walk away, they are going to standing there for a long while being held “hostage” by whatever story he happens to be telling. It is really starting to take a toll on me as I am mentally exhausted by this and sometimes would appreciate just a basic, day-to-day type conversation, (where BOTH parties get to talk and share), rather than listening to him tell a never-ending story. I love him and he’s a good man who has lots of qualities I want in a partner but this is so draining that it may just be the deal-breaker.
I had a friend who would never shut up. He was a good person, and sometimes said some interesting things. However, 90% of his stories were boring and often they were repetitive. He also seemed oblivious to any clues I gave that I would like to say something. I would have to actually interrupt him, in order to get a word in. It was frustrating, and a lot of our mutual friends would not answer their phones when they saw that he was calling.
One day he told me that a friend wasn’t returning his calls, and he wondered what he did, etc. etc…. When he stopped to take in air, I interjected that the problem could be that he just talked too much. He laughed and said that he *knew* he talked a lot, but that he “never had any complaints.” I told him that many people just didn’t want to confront a friend, and that it’s often easier to take the path of least resistance – which is simply staying silent.
I explained that I myself remained quiet for years, since I thought he would figure it out, eventually. He said that he was actually a good listener, and started to ramble on and so I raised my hand like a school child. He looked at me weird, but eventually came to a stop.
I told him that from that moment forward, I would raise my hand when I wanted to speak, so that he could see, without question, when I wished to contribute to the conversation.
He is much better now, but incredulously, will sometimes STILL talk while my hand is raised, and one time did not shut up until my hand ended up over his mouth. Other friends started doing the same thing, and he is MUCH better now, around us. Still, he will ramble for days with people who just sit there silently. So, for all of you silent sufferers out there – SPEAK UP. And if they still won’t stop, *do something* – ANYTHING. It is truly the only way they learn.
We’re given two ears and one mouth so we’ll listen twice as much as we talk.
When around someone who talks a lot and doesn’t listen, I clam up. It doesn’t feel good to be interrupted, or not get a chance to include myself in a conversation. I HATE IT!
Monologue: doing all the talking, like you’re on stage in the spotlight
Dialogue: sharing the spotlight
Three years later, a topic of great interest apparently! I love to hear myself talk. I can talk for hours and hours. Some of my friends and I talk on the phone up to 4 hours.
Some people say they like the fact that I have so much to say. They say they think I am interesting.
Other people curtail their connections with me, because they can’t stand it. I’ve just lost a boyfriend over this problem, and yet, I can’t seem to dampen my enthusiasm for life and all the exiting things going on every day. I bubble and burst. I make that choice. I take responsibility.
What’s really amazing, is that personally, I find most of what other people have to say incredibly boring and uninformed. I am like Katherine Hepburn, who said after Spencer died, and someone asked if she were lonely without him, she said, “I am by far, the most interesting person I know.” Unfortunately for me, my boyfriend is also the most interesting person I know. Way more interesting than I. I love to listen to him, but sometimes he just doesn’t feel like talking, and he wishes I would shut up. Then he simply disconnects.
So glad I found this. I am a talker but I know I must listen as I often know all the good gossip which I have to struggle not to share. I ask myself, how would I know people’s secrets if I didn’t listen some of the time?
Recently I had a girlfriend make fun of me for talking too much. I told her later how much it hurt and she laughed at me. So I did the one thing I can do. I stopped talking to her!
Now of course she misses my friendship and keeps emailing me apologizing. I do forgive her but I can’t forget so I am keeping quiet.
So my advice to those of you who think we talk too much…. be sure you really want us to stop talking you might miss us!
I think those of us who talk too much should practice listening more and talking less as well as consider writing a novel. Who knows? Maybe someone out there will like our novel and publish it. Then, we can thank ourselves for being talkers for our success!
Food for thought!
I find this discussion very interesting! I am a talker and my wife is reserved and woman of few words. Both of us attended a mediatation course (Vipassanna) that required a 11 day period of no talking. I felt very comfortable and had no urge to talk. My wife stated that after 2 or 3 days she felt that she could not bear the ongoing ruminations in her mind and had wanted to leave the course. This may be indicative of the fact that my nature to talk ‘too much’ may simply be reflective of wanting to share my stories, kindle others to do so and not just to listen to myself.
However what I believe I would need to work on, is to understand that not everyone has the intent or energy to discuss and share everything. In that settting I NEED to hold my talking till I am asked for my input.
For someone like me who takes more calories to not talk than talk, that task may be very difficult but essential if I consider it important to be accepted and make progress in a world where talkers are not the majority!!
k
I believe what you are all discussing is not a personal choice so much as a way the brain perceives information. The conversation that you have with the longwinded people appears to be a lack in prioritizing sensations and perceptions into wordplay. I would challenge you to read their writtings to see if there are similiar issues.
Ignoring a person, like most poeple do, is the absolute worst thing you can do. You’ve just sentenced that person to try even hard with more words….good job. Here’s a clue, since the person is being a flood of honest perceptions then help to navigate the conversation with questions to drill down the conversation. Wow, a novel approach right, active listening!
Last thing on non-verbal ques. If the person is TALKING to much then NON-VERBAL and VERBAL NON DIRECT ques will probably not work. You’ll have to speak directly to the person about your desire and allow them the chance to adjust.
Thanks for this post. I’ve been writing a blog post about the Expressive Personality Profile and I was shocked at how little information there was online about talking too much.
With all the blogging, Tweeting and Facebook activity, you would think all this indulgent “Me, me, me…” and “Blah, blah, blah…” would be recognized as excessive.
Apparently not. Seems people still love the sound of their own voice above all.
I talk too much, am aware of it, but still do it and afterwards beat myself up about it, but can’t seem to stop.
Does anyone know of a small time, that I can put in my pocket, push the button and after 1 minute it virbrates? All unbeknownst to anyone but me.
Seriously, perhaps that would immediately remind me to shut up or wind it down.
I’m a talker and know it as my family has told me and I’ve had people tell me “What, you talk too much, you’re kidding…” in a snickering manner but yet I talked on….then I began a self awareness search in my old age and found the reason, most likely behind my incessant talking if you, will stems from a very abusive and violent homelife as a child ….yes, some of you may be rolling your eyes right now after reading the old “childhood ruined me” theory, but hear me out….
My family was an abusive, drug-ridden, sadistic, uncommuniative bunch of dysfunction so my formative years were spent dodging bullets of sorts. As a result, we NEVER sat around chatting as a family about anything, everything, or nothing at all EVER. We only hid in seclusion in a big house, waiting for the next “event”. When adulthood hit and I “found” my voice, it took over. I talk because I never did before and I’m there’s a insecurity around others so I talk to camoflauge that and silence scares me so I talk to cover that and I have low self esteem (again, after having it beaten to a pulp at the hands of my elders) so I talk to cover that….how sad to find out my very motivation to reach out to others, inturn, hindered my social acceptance….now there’s a shot in the foot! So remember, not all of us talktalktalk to be heard or to overrun the conversation or to feed an ego gone loco….sometimes, it’s just a very hurt person trying to reach out and be accepted who may never got the training as a kid to know how….anyways, I’m trying hard to talk less/listen more as I have learned the error of my ways…it’s not easy but I’m trying!!!! (:
I have a friend that is a serious talker and loves to ramble about politics, conspiracy theories, work, random people I don’t know, etc. He is a wonderful, caring person but does not know when to stop talking.
I can understand when talkers say that they consider themselves to be good listeners, find what they have to say to be incredibly interesting, and may use talking as a means to share and organize their thoughts.
HOWEVER, would it be too hard for them to ask the listener 1) what s/he thinks or 2) if s/he can relate to their anecdote? That is what really aggravates me sometimes. That I have just listened to a talker go off for the past 20 mins from topic to topic and not once has he asked for my opinion!
Yes, some people are shy, but if you were really interested in befriending them you would be curious about their life as well instead of running your mouth about subjects that may not have any relevance. Communication is a tool for connection. Monologues cut off that bridge and instead isolate the speaker.
I talk too much and I do it out of the fear that I am being impolite if I do not. I am just learning that I am actually annoying other people. In my case I say too much because I am nervous and this is when I see that I am going on and on and on and on. I used to be more quiet and I think it all started after being with someone for 15 years who talked a lot but maybe his subject matters were more interesting and I just picked up a bad habit. I hope I can get it under control especially now that someone who is my friend does not like it that much.
I’m glad I found this page.
I find it interesting how many talkers see themselves as great listeners, that’s like saying that you’re interested in a movie but sit there reading a book while wearing an i-pod.
I suspect that the reason that this top is still active after more than 3years is because most talkers don’t truly see this as a problem. Most are actually quite proud of this trait and have a multitude of spin to see this as either cute, funny or a blessing to humanity.
Rule of thumb that I live by: most things that you talk about are going to bore other people. So you dispense it in small doses unless asked to elaborate, then you can go into you spiel. If you are interesting people WILL ask you for more information and examples.
Also, don’t change a subject, go off on a tagent or tell a long story without first getting feedback. The tendency to do this is why talkers are seen as self-centered and boorish. Transitional points are awesome opportunities to let someone else express their thoughts and get to see their point of view.
Oh my goodness. The best way to deal with these people is to be honest. they are going to talk either way. They don’t have feelings. I just don’t listen and continue to do what I am doing. I stay away from home as much as possible, tell him I am too busy to talk and go to the bathroom a lot and lock the door. I take mini vacations often and turn my phone off. Keeping myself busy is the only thing that helps. If all fails leave them alone and let them figure the rest out. This is what my plans are, to leave him completely alone. Your sanity is counting on it.
it all comes down to the person thats doing all the talking. is he or she interesting, tone of voice, personality says it all. some talkers are very annoying!
Dear compassionate,
I am with a talker too.. though the relationship is about a fifth shorter than yours. i must say that i addressed the issue quite early on (and i was drinking, so i was less inhibited to tell him what i thought). what happened is i think he’s curbed it a little. and i know he cares about me, so when i talk, he does listen. but he still talks like a motor-mouth sometimes! it can be unnerving. but what can i do? i love him, even this early on in the relationship (well, a few months) and he is a wonderful person.
i think in the past he’s been ‘ignored’ or–more properly–ostracised for his behaviour as well as his quirkiness. he struggled in high school and elementary.
at least he talks about interesting things most of the time.. and i really have no mercy. NONE AT ALL. i will jump in, straight up jump in, with something if i feel like it. i will come in with something completely off-topic. also, i’m afraid that he has anger issues.. not at me but at others from his past. i don’t know . =( but what am i supposed to do?
hi.. am a 21yr old guy…i have this female friend with whom i used to talk a lot…we were like best buddies…sharing evrything that used to happen in our lives…but off late she has told me that we were talking too much…and she found it irritating to talk to me sometimes nowadays…she says she had faced such a problem of being irritated by someone twice before(not due to talking to them though..just in general)..and she completely cut off with those people on the earlier occasion due to which that feeling of irritation healed with time…she says she cant do the same with me…hence she told me all this..but yea she faces the same kind of irritation with me as well…is it due to excessive talking?…what is the solution to it?…because i so wanna talk to her sometimes but don call her up due to the fear of irritating her again…am really facing a tough time…plz provide some suggestions!
Excessive talking is a problem that I encounter with one of my coworkers (I only work with two people, so it’s VERY apparent). She is a talker and interrupts any conversation (even conversations that are about work that doesn’t have anything to do with her) within only a few minutes. To all of you talkers who are wondering how to avoid annoying people by talking too much, here is my general advice:
1. Try not to ALWAYS relate to people simply by adding your own experiences to the conversation. If you happen to do this, definitely DO NOT continue to talk about yourself for the next 15 minutes (or more). If you always talk about yourself and never ask people more about what they are saying, you will come across as self centered and narcissistic. People are interested in your thoughts, but they are generally not interested in someone who comes off as arrogant.
2. Don’t interrupt! Seriously, I cannot stress this enough. If you’re worried about forgetting what you want to say, have a small notebook and take a quick note so that you can add your thoughts at a natural break in the conversation (this may not work in a social setting)
3. Work on figuring out when your opinion/story/etc will be relevant to the conversation or not. This will take time, but a good way to start is to observe a balanced conversation and learn from it. (non-talkers can do this too!)
4. Try not to be a know-it-all. Try not to offer unsolicited solutions. Some conversation are meant only for venting, and everyone is entitled to that once in a while.
5. Try not to ALWAYS be the devil’s advocate. Especially if you’re only doing this to debate and you don’t really mean it or hold the opinion that you’re defending. Debate is awesome, but it’s not always appropriate.
Talkers are not all bad, and there are many people who don’t talk enough. If someone is really annoying you (for any reason) it’s probably a good idea to develop a plan to tel them with the least amount of damage. Turn it around. If you smelled really bad or had something in your teeth (and it was affecting others), you’d probably want someone to tell you instead of just avoiding you.
Hi everybody,
I am a talker too and I find it very difficult… because all people are different…
Some of them don’t care, some love it and some hate it. Some of my friends are so quiet people that they cancelled a party because I couldn’t join and they thought it was gonna boring (because nobody would speak then…).
I met people who also kind of saturate as soon as you tell a few words…. for me they are the ones who aren’t “normal”… I think very few people are anyway exactly as you described here…
My advice to talkers… it is not easy but I focus on the ones who appreciate this “bug” or “feature” and leave the others in peace… til now I have always had friends… relationships… etc… and I am just not interested in people who do not enjoy a conversation (even a meaningless one… just for the fun of it…)
I love small talk, and I also speak to unknown people everywhere…. and I love it because most time they are grumpy and after a few seconds they smile at me… as if nobody had ever told them anything since ages… well… well…
Changing is not easy, if not impossible…
To talking coworker: You have given excellent advice! Thanks for putting it in such a concise manner. I am printing this out and carrying it with me to remind myself to follow these few things. Thanks!!!
My father is an obsessive talker and it depresses the hell out of me.When he rings,all he talks about is himself and his three topics-communism,religion and stuff that happened 30 years ago when his marriage collapsed to my mother.Whenever I try to tell him what’s happening in my life with an anecodeote,he refuses to acknowledge it,cutting me off and saying curtly,”Now as I was saying….” .It’s almost like “Now back to our regular programming….ME.”I actively avoid his phone calls,even though I know he’s elderly and my dad and we should communicate,but when my life is of no interest to him,it saps my spirit.
My aunt also has a friend who rings before 8.30 AM and rambles on about the same petty problems over & over,and when my aunt wants to talk about her stuff,she’s curiously not interested.
To all you chronic talkers out there-it is called CONVERSATION for a reason.It is not MONOLOGUE.Think of it like a tennis match,where you lob ideas and anecdotes back & forth. BE GENUINELY interested in the response.DO NOT INTERRUPT.If you’re merely tuning out & waiting for the other person to finish,then why are you talking to them? If you need an extended forum,start a blog or a diary.But a conversion must encompass the needs & ideas of BOTH participants.Otherwise,what’s the point?
Perhaps a 1-2 minute rule should be the order of the day.If any of your points take longer to explain than 120 seconds,take a breather and let the other person comment.And guess what? They might have something interesting to say!
Ghostgirl, as one who no longer has my father, I would highly suggest you sit down and tell him in a positive way, no matter how difficult this is. You won’t regret it, even if nothing changes, you have tried. And when he’s gone, you won’t feel regret that you didn’t say anything….like I do. I wish you well.
Good point Sharon!
This is a great site! As a quiet person I am a target for people that love to talk. My boyfriend is a non stop talker and repeats the same stories over and over. I find it very boring after a while and wish he would ask me something but there are times when he gets into the talking windstorm. If we are having a meal I know ahead of time that I will not be talking much. I don’t want to hurt his feelings but it would be really nice to have a normal exchange of conversation at the meal once in a while. He is a very loving person so I figure no one is perfect (including me) and I know he means well.
One day when I was a little girl my grandfather (a farmer) wanted me to join him on a trip that would take all day. My father warned him that I don’t stop talking. My grandfather was a kind and loving man of few but significant words. I remember enjoying just being with my grandpa. Chatting was my way of connecting with him. He was so very patient that day and we did enjoy ourselves. When we returned home, however, my grandpa shook his head and speaking to my dad exclaimed, “Wow, you weren’t kidding when you said she doesn’t stop talking! Not only that but she won’t let you not answer!” I believe this world was made to have different types of people. So, being a ‘conversationalist’ or an ‘active-listener’ has a way of bringing together people of different personalities. I truly agree that to talk and talk to someone is not the best of the traits but it can be tempered. The first time I encountered someone who talked in such a way I was enlightened to the frustrations of poor balance in conversations. I remember telling my sister in surprise that I met someone who talked more than I do and you couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Fortunately her reply pleasantly informed me that I was not as bad as she was. This being because I could allow others to speak, making it a conversation, and not someone on a soapbox. Taking a different perspective here I have to say it is also extremely annoying when a conversation is opened and the other person won’t talk! I recently completed my elementary education practicum. This requires me to work with a mentor teacher and her class. The first day, I went in with a great deal of excitement but alas the woman gave few directions and barely introduced herself. So, taking initiative as the program encourages, I began talking to her. I found that because she wouldn’t say more than a few words I began babbling. Things didn’t go so well. We were required to interview and discuss certain concepts with our mentor teachers in order to complete assignments. Eventually, it came back to me that I was too opinionated and talked too much. What I don’t understand is why she didn’t just tell me what she thought of the ideas and concepts I had been talking to her about? I enjoy hearing what others have to say! If other opinions are presented to me I don’t discredit them I discuss them. The very ability for one to truly ‘converse’ is so very important for clear communication! So I say speak up! to those who don’t feel they can or are intimidated by others opinions. Most people just want to have an intellectual, insightful conversation with others. Sometimes such conversations will be lengthy but so very worth it! I have learned so much by others views and perspectives in this world. Also, those who can’t let another talk or obsess over one particular topic temper yourselves. Practice ‘active-listening’ and you will begin to find that balance. So few problems in this world would be solved if we communicate and listen to others. More friendships and broader understanding of this world will become abundant in your lives if you do! K I’ve said my fill. Now I’m interested in what you may think.
I have two particular friends who are talkers a husband and wife. when they start they don’t stop talking over each other. The wife gets on the phone and when i get off about an hour later my ear is nearly dropping off. They are lovely people so kind and helpful and would do anything for you, when we visit their house i have to make a bee-line for the loo to re-charge my batteries because i feel knacked listening to their non-stop jaw. Funny thing is their favourite song is by Chas and Dave (you got more bunny than Sainsbury’s your always giving it that) which makes us laugh they don’t see the connection i don’t think. When i am feeling up to it all i can be more able to listen but when i don’t feel that good it stresses me out. Problem is i can’t be rude and tell them to shut up i have dropped a few hints but unfortunately it falls on deaf ears pardon the pun.
My friend and I are working on this very topic. We’re going to practice listening better and talking less. A good little book on the subject is: “Right Listening” by Mark Brady.
My Boyfriends says I am a talker, however, he is a non-talker unless he is drunk. Then he talks more than me and denies that he talks more. When I say something, I will stop and ask him what he thinks because he does not always respond. Even if all I said was a simple one sentance question. His whole family is this way. They all sit around in a room together watching TV and barely talk. I often feel like I must talk to draw him out, but then he will just say I am talking too much. If I stay silent so he can say whatever he wants we will sit in silence just like his family. I should not have to get him drunk to get him to open up. I hate talking to drunk people, they are witless and loud. I am tired of taking the TALKING blame. My friends and family say I don’t talk anymore than any other woman… So I don’t get it. What do I have to do to get him to come into the conversation. I can not stand the silence anymore!
First Hello to all, thank you, to talking coworker I am going to print your response out and carry it with me until I get it right .:-) I am an excessive talker and have been since as early as 3. I am 38 now and I use to feel like I can always work on it, change the out come I usually would get, but now I feel like I might not be able to win at this hinderance to my life. I’ll catch myself talking and going off on serious tangents but for those who are able they totally realize how I can talk and still torlerate me to the fullest I am thankful to those individuals and I consider them true down to earth friends. and they survived my terrible impulse to interrupt , but I swear I don’t mean or want it to happen. I feel terribly rude for doing so, but it happen before I can stop it. I have been told all my life that I have a great personality children and old people love me and people in general truly enjoy me, but I fear I will never truly bond with any of them because I guess I am shy and nervous around others and what they may think of me, so I just fake it til I make it (so to speak) I am Internationally admired, but I’ll talk your head off sorry didn’t mean to. I do share the conversation but not 50/50 more like 60/40. I have interesting things to talk about , I just take to long to tell you. I am guilty of painting picture for you, or breaking it down into details of what I am trying to say. I love to try to help others by telling them some good news that might just benefit them somehow, along with all the other good stuff I have to sAY, but sadly I might have talked soo long they would have already tuned out.
This is a good thread and I recently told my boyfriend that he talks too much and that after a coversation, I feel very under appreciated because it was not a 50/50 conversation. I feel like a wall that he just tossed his thoughts at. While a relationship is bound to have stories because we share what has been happening in our lives, I feel slightly crappy after talking on the phone sometimes. That’s not healthy, right?
This has been going on for a couple of months, which isn’t bad. But I can see really serious communication relationship problems in the future!
After telling him this problem in a unclear way (because I didn’t know how to put it and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings), he was at a lost of what to do. He asked me what he should do, and I didn’t know what to say! I don’t want him to feel self conscious or feel like he can’t be himself while talking to me, but I have a legitimate concern. I really like him, and I don’t want this to be a blockade in our relationship.
Also, I talk less than the “average” person because I like to listen/observe more than I talk. Which complicates our relationship problem even more!
As I write this – I have tears streaming down my face. Today I accidentally overheard a coworker complaining to another coworker, that “She never shuts up!”. The coworker did not intend for me to hear what he said – but I did… It wasn’t just what he said – but how he said it – the disdain in his voice, the disgust with which he said it.
Moments before I was engaged in conversation with the other coworker – we were recalling a fun time we’d shared a few years ago. This is the conversation that the man was referring to when he said – she never shuts up.
I’ve thought about that conversation and tried to figure out if I had dominated the conversation, or if I’d interrupted our chat, or talked too long… I’ve tried to analyze my participation in the conversation. I can honestly say that, at least on this occassion, my part of the chat was balanced, like a tennis game, he hit one, I hit one, back and forth, and so on.
Now I’m left puzzled about why he labelled me as a “talker”, when all I did was have a conversation. I didn’t talk any more than my friend did… so why isn’t he considered the talker? Is it that men have a stereotype of women being big talkers… or is it something else?
In any case, it hurt my feelings terribly, to hear someone speak about me that way.
The worst part is that I don’t know what I could have done differently.
I can talk a lot – there’s no doubt that I have the gift of gab – but I recognize that and try to be mindful of it when engaged in conversations.
What am I missing here?
Chatty: I feel for you and understand completely….I’m a talker and realizeas an adult, isn’t a compliment when people tell me I talk so much, it’s an insult….just went on a trip with a bunch of locals and had 2 instances that others ripped on one individual who, after meeting him for the first time, discovered he was a talker…we chatted and laughed and compared and rambled and then I had others saying to me: what an annoying person he is, all he does is blahblahblahblah…….I was so hurt but also, relaized I KNOW these same people have said that about me!!!!!!!!!! I feel your pain and wish ther was a “Talkers Anonymous” as I find people who sit in silence annoying…..
The thing is one can lose an incredible amount by simple talking too much.
After the loss, it is usually too late.
Dear Chatty Cathy and Merry: I also feel we should start a Talker’s Anonymous. I just had a casual acquaintance yell at me (in a rideshare car, at the beginning of a 40 minute ride) that I interrupt and never shut up. I managed to hold it together until I got out of the car but I’ve been crying since. It is humiliating to be publicly chastised and it’s heartbreaking for someone who is trying hard to fit in to be told how awful they are. I thought we were friends, but it turns out that he hates me. Why did he pretend to be my friend rather than just be straight with me from the beginning? Now I feel that he and the others have been complaining about me the whole time.
I want to be better, and I NEVER want to have that experience again. I hate myself right now. Every time I take a step forward, it seems like life comes and sticks its foot out so I fall on my face.
And I’m melodramatic too. I hate that also.
Breathe.
Sit.
Be quiet.
I’m trying.
I have thoroughly enjoyed all the different comments. My husband is a processor and there are many times I don’t let him finishing processing before saying something else. I believe people “like” my stories, too, but I know I give too many details. We are in marriage counselling because he believes it is all about me. Others have said that isn’t so–but he is the one who is with me the most. Strange to think about being quiet. I did enjoy the suggestions from CoWorker! I am smiling since reading this. . .I’m not alone!
Where do I start?
Personally, I have received hints and clues over the years that alerted me to the fact that I tend to bring up topics or stories and run on about them when my audience isn’t really into them. My solution? I have an outlet for that energy. I have taken different marketing jobs and I write a lot. The marketing mindset forces me to consider my audience and the effectiveness of my communication. Words are my friends but I must force myself to be succinct and get to the point.
In personal relationships, I allow my curiosity to reign. I want to know them and understand them which creates a greater degree of trust, closeness and companionship. Foster that desire to ask questions and take joy in getting to know other people and what makes them tick. When you pay attention to their body language and facial expressions and you want the conversation to mean as much to them as it does to you, the natural path is for speaking and listening to balance out.
My husband, on the other hand, will speak himself down a path, recognize he has lost his audience, get frustrated with himself and then try to talk himself back out of it. More words are just throwing good money after bad. If you have this problem, practice graceful exits. Brainstorm ways that you can cut yourself off naturally before somebody else does it in a less kind manner. Neither one of you will benefit from the awkwardness or hurt feelings.
If this is a challenge for you, then put yourself in situations where you cannot talk. Practice silence. Allow thoughts to enter and leave your mind without having to verbalize them. A concert. A town hall meeting. A classroom. These are all places where you may have the urge to stand up and share your opinions but you must force yourself to listen.
Watch other people interacting and pay close attention to the subtle clues they give one another during conversations. Then, look for times when these same hints crop up in your own conversations.
If you have close friends or family members, ask them about your problem. Ask them how they feel and what they think when you speak too much or interrupt. And then, if you are both ready, apologize without a lengthy explanation. Simply say you are learning how to better communicate and you appreciate their feedback and support.
When your energy bill is too high, you make an effort to reduce your electricity use. Your word count is too high. . . so give yourself a budget for the day and make it a personal goal to speak mindfully not wastefully. You will feel relief and increased confidence within days.
To the readers and commentors who have been cut off rudely, I am sorry. There is no excuse for such callous and uncharitable behavior. However there is nothing you can do about another person’s poor manners. You can only set personal goals for your own growth and improvement. Let them be. Take their criticism with a large grain of salt, and then move on.
IF YOU HAD WRITTEN MORE THAN 5 LINES, YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE TALKERS
PLEASE GET RID OF THOSE INSECURITIES MAKING YOU THINK LOUD
THE SKY IS NOT FALLING YET
Perhaps you have never benefited from a verbal exchange of thoughts. That requires words. Sometimes more than 5 lines worth. Shouting, however, is not necessary.
Eh, I think chatties are just overwhelming The Silent Ones, that’s all. If you are a chatty, befriend other chatties. Not only will it be livelier and fun, you won’t get that sinking feeling that something is wrong with you when they burn out ten minutes into a convo. There isn’t.
Other chatties will keep up with the rhythym and always know when to interrupt.
No-one is wrong here. It’s just a mismatch of talking styles. Just don’t be surprised when your long-suffering Silent Ones start to talk more, because the conversation with their fellow quieties has dried up.
I like you Bunnie McGee. I completely agree. I love to talk and can’t stand people who don’t. What’s the point of hanging out with a quiet person? I’m not interested in looking at the art on the walls for the umpteenth time, I want to have a conversation! So, most of my friends are chatty and I LOVE it. I know so much about them and they know so much about me.
I do have some impulse issues with basically saying most of everything that pops into my head and I am working on that because I agree it can be bad professionally and can be annoying to your friends if you interrupt them all the time. I think it’s important to watch nonverbal cues so you can get an idea of when you’ve crossed that line.
However,iIf someone isn’t willing or able to notice and take heart to those cues, maybe there is something wrong and you should be more sensitive. Another poster mentioned depression and that makes a lot of sense to me. Many people ignore things, not because they are rude, but because they are afraid of what it means if they pay too close attention. Food for thought anyway.