Talking Too Much Can Cost You
I was reading this article in the April issue of Kiplinger’s Personal Finance Magazine, called Do You Talk To Much?, and it got me thinking about all the annoying habits people can have, that hold them back in life without them realizing it. Everyone knows someone like this. Maybe they’re a good person, but you hate to see them coming because they will tell you everything you don’t want to know about anything, and it’s extremely difficult to break away from them in conversation. The article suggests that we think of long-winded people as being “boring and self-absorbed”. It seems as though they enjoy the sound of their own voice so much, that they have a total disregard to whatever non-verbal clues your sending them. I’ve seen this in job interviews as well. An applicant just talks their way right out of a job, because they can’t answer a question. They’re trying to come across as being friendly, but they go way off topic telling some story rather than directly answering a question.
Another characteristic that came to mind, is people who are “close talkers”. I’m sure most of us have seen the episode of Seinfeld that pokes fun at the issue. It really is annoying to talk to some one who feels the need to get right in your face. Personally, I don’t want to smell your lunch when we’re talking……know what I mean?
The obvious question has to come up about ourselves. Whether we realize it or not, we may have bad communication habits of our own, that keep us from getting where we want to go in life. Here are a couple of questions to keep in mind:
- When you talk, do people start fidgeting, and looking away?
- When in a conversation, do you talk over 30 seconds without giving the other person a chance to speak?
- Do you enjoy hearing yourself talk?
The sad thing is, that most people are not going to tell you that you talk too much. They will just avoid you.
OMG, I have a friend just like that.
I love her, she is like family, but she goes on and on about stuff she is doing, (closing loans and property managment) and over and over for YEARS!
She is so boring and repetitive. And she does not pick up the verbal cues at all.
Plus I hate it when people forgot they already told you stuff.
It makes me feel like you are just using me to get all your verbal off your chest.
I can never tell her this because she is really sensitive and gets her feelings hurt easily.
I did pull away after a few years and really think hard about the friendship and if I wanted to keep it.
So yes, people will just avoid you.
Hi Ichen,
Yeah, I think we all know someone like this. I always try to be tolerant, but sometimes it can be tough. One way I’ve dealt with this type of situation, is to make a joke out of it to them directly. Sometimes that can get the message accross in a light-hearted way.
Yes, but what if you are one of those people? What’s the amount of time you should be talking? If a person keeps responding to your stories and adding their own comments? I’ve noticed that to build rapport, I match a person’s story with one of my own…inevitably it turns the subject to me and I hate that. I try to ask them questions about their stories. It’s difficult when the clues don’t seem to be obvious and you didn’t get the memo on how long you are “supposed” to talk…. So, give us a time limit? Give us a clue to look for…. Don’t just avoid us.
Hal
haha…..that’s funny Hal. Here are my thoughts(so you don’t feel that I’m avoiding you…hehe)
This is just my personal opinion, but if you’re talking, and the other person keeps looking away, or acting like they have somewhere else to be or something else to do, then you should probably wrap your little speech up.
My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years is talking me to death. He talks through television shows, through dinner, breakfast and lunch, talks before lovemaking and after, yaps about his life his problems, asks me questions and gives no time to answer, talks about alking, argues at me, he never SHUTS THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!!! I have not read a book, listened to a song or enjoyed anything since I’ve met him. He has stolen every bit of peace that I had. He’s got to go…………………..
I have a particular person in my life who not only talks way too much but is almost insulting when he feels the need to give me information about my business I either already know or didn’t ask for. He also gives too many unnecessary details about any given subject. It’s as if he is trying to prove to everyone that he’s smart and knows everything about EVERYTHING. His emails are also so incredibly long and detailed that I can barely read them.
If there is a person out there who recognizes this in themselves please tell me the best way to clue you in on this energy draining habit! How would you want to be told?
I just broke up with my boyfriend because he ranted about politics and other angsty stuff all the time. It started to depress me early on in the piece so I saw it as an opportunity to talk too much back about how I perceived life’s problems because I felt fixed in one place all the time. Now we have broken up he has suddenly had insight and started talking about fixing the problem of talking too much because I think I held a mirror up to him. (he he!) Its good to read these sites so you don’t ever fall into the same trap. Its a pity I read it too late though because he is a really nice person and we have now completely exhausted each other.
You are all making the assumption that just ’cause we’re talking and talking, we think what we have to say is more important. Actually many long winded talkers are throwing darts out there . . . waiting to be accepted by the listener. Often times this is insecurity. We don’t want to be HEARD (courtesy listening does no good). We want to be understood and accepted.
my partner loves to read and study and learn about any and everything. he also loves to share everything he has learnt and understood – an admirable trait i’m sure. however it is no problem for him to talk non stop on any given subject for 1/2 hr to 45 minutes. i don’t even have to say much. the thing is i can put up with it when by ourselves, but it is so embarassing when we are out. i often try to change the subject by asking a question of the other person/s he is talking to, but after that person has finished (usually after a minute or less) he will pick his conversation right back up where he was stopped. needless to say we do not any close friends. several people in his life (including his daughter) have tried to say to him he is talking without interruption. but he just feels attacked and wronged.
Is there any way one can assist a person like this without damaging them. It seems to run in his family. His father who has severe dementia has also been extremely talkative for a long long time. His sister can talk talk talk without interruption.
HELP anyone out there?
I am a talker and I am working on it. I wish there was a website to help me -sum up what I want said. Maybe instead of wishing people would just shut up- You may ask to see if they are depressed …it is one of the signs of depression. And it would be an easier way to let them know. Be patient with us…. much love and respect.
What my problem is that I divulge too much information when I am in my “rambling” stage. That’s gotten me into trouble so many times. I always feel obligated to give rounded and additional explanations on what’s going on and then the boss is on my case about giving away ’secrets.’ Does any one have a tip for that?
I’m one of those ‘talkers”. Only one person I know can talk as much as I do.
I don’t take pride in it as a gift, but I don,t condemn it either, as it is part of who i am.
I am conscious of the way most of society sees talkers: self-imbued non-listeners at best, or total loser know-it-alls out to prove something at worse.
My personal case, and that of my other talker friend, is that we are good active listeners, who care a lot about people. We have good memory retention of what has been told to us. We truly want to know about who we meet.
Still, since I care, I work on reducing my output.
I have reduced it tremendously, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference to some people I know. I do leave breathing times, pauses when the others can talk.
I do notice when people are starting to zone out.
I found this topic while searching for others like me, see what info could help.
I just wish I could find it within myself to know the right brief words, and not feel censored or deprived of freedom.
As mentioned by another commenter, keeping silence because you feel you have to, is not honest listening.
I do have my bad moments when I am talking too much without real cause. I appear to fear silence, but in fact I just fear a break or a lack in communication. Let’s face it, when was the last time you had a real, in depth conversation with someone new?
People I meet for the first time usually have patterns that they use to try to communicate. At best, they are confusing to me, at worse, they feel like lies that block communication. Who are you as a person? How do you feel? What do you dream?
The proof is right here in the length of this comment: I am a talker.
It’s my nature. I want to communicate, learn, exchange.
That doesn’t mean I’m a self-centered jerk insensitive of others.
Perhaps “brief” people should consider we have feelings too.
I think that people who talk too much can be absolutely lovely people who are not necessarily know-it-alls or self centered. I think that it may be a way of thinking out loud, a feeling that they are being up front with people by sharing everything, a way to connect in their way.
However, I do believe it’s problematic and points to a compulsion that should be worked on. It’s harmful to them because the truth is, people will avoid them and it’s possible they will be taken advantage of.
I’ve noticed is that the effect they have on others because I am in a relationship with a “talker”. I love who he is as a person. I want to spend my life with him. I worry his talking will cause me to become so frustrated that over time my feelings will fade. The reasons are:
1. When I do share, he interrupts without fail. It makes me feel almost like I’m fighting to be heard which is not how I want to feel when I’m trying to be vulnerable and let him in.
2. It takes a LOT of time to be with him because every story is lengthy. I can ask him if he slept well and it can easily turn into a 15 minute rant.
3. He tells me details about everyone he meets so I have no easy way to figure out who’s important to him and who’s not. Furthermore, for the majority of his monologues (they are not dialogues) I don’t understand the context of why he’s telling me about the person. For example, he might start out saying he ran into a really nice man and then tell me about his wife, kids, health problems, something he said or did during their interaction and finally tell me that he went to high school with his son.
So I’m looking for ways to address this with him without hurting him. I think it’ll hurt him much more if I don’t address it and it’s the cause of our demise so I’m going to tell him directly but gently and give him the reasons why I’m bringing it up. Any other advice is welcome. I hope this is helpful to talkers out there who feel attacked in understanding why it’s harmful to relationships. Thank you.
Please – use your common sense. There is nothing better than a good conversation with an interesting and intelligent person. To talk & talk & ramble about unknown people, unseen movies & unread books is tedious, boring and the quickest way to become a friendless outcast.
You “TALKERS” know who you are – take this BRIEF comment to heart and SHUT UP!!
Lol….I am a talker as well….its is true we are very interested in other people and what makes them tick…we are caring and thoughtful people.My flatmate was drunk last night and laid it out…he said all his friends cant stand that i talk to much…thay like me but i change the subject and cut them off from talking to there friends…he said it was very rude and what gives me the right to do this?..he said where are all your friends?..
it is true what he had to say…i think i talk too much because i dont value who i am and want acceptance…my mums a talker as well and so is my brother…Im gana change my ways as i know people who do it to me…and i avoid them!!…its the quickest way too loose friends and become very lonely!!
I’m a talker and I realize that I talk too much and sometimes it gets me into trouble because I talk about things that are true and sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth and not what I preceive to be truth but Bible truth that has everything to do with our conduct. I’v been a loner most of my life. I’v never been one to beat around the bush. Sometimes the bush beats me back and boy am I ever humbled. Humility isn’t a bad thing because it puts things into prespective in a hurry.
Hi!
I am attracted to people who talk a lot, I like nothing better than an interesting discussion on an interesting subject. I have to learned over the years to value myself more and I have told friends goodbye. It is simply NOT acceptable to take 80 percent of the time and interest and space and leave only hard earned 20 percent to your friend. It makes you feel taken for granted, unseen, unheard and litterally beaten up! And it is your friends problem tell them how it makes you feel and let them take responsabillity, they are the ones who can chance it, not you! But you can help them understand how acute it is to you!
My mind works in a way that If Ive been interupted again and again, in a conversation prevented from having around 50 percent of the space, my mind becomes overworked and after when I am to myself all the cut off talk will pop up in my head. It an unfair balance! quite peacedisturbing and unpleasant! I wonder if motormouthtalkers know how much they trample on us good listeners?? I think not! I will tell, and if you cannot change your bad habbit I’ll simply turn away! And I think that those who dosent tell are really not friendly at all!
I see many posts where talkers claim that they are good listeners, and want to know about other people. If that were true, there would be more space left in the conversation to let the other person speak. Here are a few hints to help you quash the bad habit:
Count a few seconds after the person has finished, to see if they wish to continue. Acknowledge them with a short phrase, rather than a complete story of your own.
Lay out the point of your story right away, rather than making someone listen to your tangents while they try to figure out what you are talking about.
At first you will think that your communication skills have diminished, but after a short while, you’ll find that people stop to listen to what you have to say. It’s a refreshing feeling from a reformed talker.
And don’t forget; an occasional night of ranting with your close friends should always be allowed.
Hi
Yes, I am a talker. I repeat things over and over. My friends are patient with me, but I hardly ever see them. The guy I am dating, just wants to date, not be my boyfriend.
I do not seem to notice at all, when I am boring someone, or someone is trying to read, or watch TV–I just keep on talking, talking, talking, talking. It is so bad I even talk to myself when no one is around.
Because of my talking I have gone through more jobs than I can remember.
Years ago my Dad used to tell me to shut up, he said a good listener is someone who knows when to speak and when to keep quite.
Never have I am been able to do that. I always talk, talk, talk. I never think about how rude I am or anything. I even talk to strangers, who could care less. Store clerks love me because I talk so much I pay way to much for stuff because I am not paying attention to what I am doing.
This has been a problem since childhood. I am now in my 50s.
I’ve come across many people who talk too much! Some of them are my friends and I know they are good people and not self-centered. They simply tend to get excited about the subject at hand and think they need to share details to get our complete understanding. (I’ve done it, too!)
However, I want to share that I have brought this subject up to a couple of my closer friends and had wonderful results. I admit it was a difficult subject to broach, but once it was brought up it turned out my friends knew they talked too much! One friend asked me to bluntly tell her when she got off track and believe it or not, she appreciated the help in keeping her focused! I handle it differently with another friend – I know when he’s excited about something and remind him before visiting others to keep himself in check.
My point is that there is a way for us listeners to communicate with the talkers! You have to lay the issue on the table first and come up with a compromise – a solution that works for both parties without anyone’s feelings getting hurt.
By the way, I find it very telling that over two years after this original post, people are still commenting about it!
I have been told from time to time that I talk too much. Verbal communication is one of the hardest things to master. Just look at us now, talking about it yet we have existed how many years and haven’t got it just right?
Here lately, I have purposely cut my talking down and tried to just listen to others, then I come off as the one who is separated from the conversation. Maybe it’s better I try not to make new friends and get to know the new people I encounter. Those who I consider friends know where I am coming from and we accept each other as we are.
Imma shut up now. Y’all figure it out and let me know.
OMG I am just finding this post on 11/24/09 and I am unbelievably relieved…my brother just left the room after I shared something that was to me, near and dear to my heart. His response was completely unrelated and vague. He’s been doing this a long time and it’s finally getting to me, I’ve always kind of shrugged it off that he’s rude and has no respect for me – and now look…it’s probably that I just talk too much.
DANG!
sometimes i talk a lot when i don’t feel confortable around somebody, hoping that sooner or later they will not want to be around me, then it all balances out.
I appreciate all your comments. I talk way too much and it’s a a constant source of anxiety. Just today, I talked so much to my new employer–who happens to be a therapist–that she told me she could “not process anymore” of what I was saying. Talk about uncomfortable and dangerous …
Does anyone know of any self-help books on conquering one’s need to talk excessively?
The odd thing is that I AM a good listener and have several friends who confide in me. I DO give people their time to talk and do listen and make sure they know they are heard. I am interested in them and enjoy the details of their lives, which might be why I give so many details, myself. But when the subject changes and it’s my turn to talk (or, unfortunately, sometimes when it’s not), I just can’t seem to shut up. My close friends and family have always joked about my talking, and some even enjoy being around me. But others who don’t know me must be put off by my banging on. I leave most all social interactions feeling like a spent dishrag.
Can anyone relate to my struggle? Any suggestions or shared experiences are welcome. I WILL listen. I’m with Hal; we, the loquacious, need to learn how to find acceptance while learning to tone ourselves down.
Thanks,
Ocmab (overly-chatty middle-aged broad)
I observe that those who talk too long have not learned to focus on the cues that their listener is not fully engaged. I’m totally up for people improving their communication skills – Stu’s comments of 7/29 are a good start. Additionally, the short article at the following link has some really good tips to ensure you’re interesting, not annoying : http://www.martynemko.com/articles/do-you-talk-too-much_id1371
I’m a 24 year old male. I am, by NO means, a talker. I never have been. I still have my kindergarten, grade 1, 2, and 3 report cards. On all 4 reports the teacher made a comment about my ‘failing’ to interact with the other children. As if it’s a character flaw.
Throughout my life, (and I mean every single day since I can remember), someone has made a comment about how quiet and reserved I am. That’s fine, I can deal with that (barely). But it’s in the way they say it that bothers me. The tone of their voice. They say it as if there is something horribly wrong with me. And often not even to my face! But to the person standing next to me! As if I’m not even there. They dont even realize how completely arrogant they are coming across. Of course I never show my discontent. I bite my tongue, and respectfully smile and chuckle.
Dont get me wrong ‘talkers’. You’re awesome. My best friend is an EXTREME talker! You’re just like alcohol. You’re best in small doses. Too much of you and I feel nauseous.
Silence is golden and loose lips sink ships.
I talk a lot, but I also LISTEN a lot. I am not always right, I like debate, I like to learn. In fact, with some people that would pan me for talking too much, I would say that at least I speak sense, unlike them. For instance, I will readily discuss politics, beliefs or even movies, which I happen to love. I will NOT back bite and generally gossip. Therein lies the difference.
It is indeed a good virtue, being quite, having time for introspection. However, on the same token being too QUIET is also not a good trait in a person. Being shy is one thing but in some cases it is just unbearable. Case in point: two friends/a couple where one is open and the other stays silent and will not ease a situation by just speaking up. Or expecting the partner/friend to have some kind of extra sensory perception when it comes to knowing what they are thinking. Sometimes I talk too much because the other person NEVER says anything – even if you are out in a group of people and they have a chance to speak. I’ve known cases where certain people prefer that I speak so that they won’t have to!
What i’m trying to say I suppose is that like with anything in life there needs to be balance. Neither too extrovert nor introvert.
Thought of the day: How many relationships have you heard of failing owing to over communication as opposed to little communication? mmmmm………..
My only reply is that talking and communication aren’t exactly the same thing. Good communication is not listening to someone talk on and on, wishing they would stop.